Newlywed Brownies and the Breaking Point

My husband, David, is a Biology major and a Chemistry minor who just so happens to love cooking and baking. When you’re a “down home” girl, like me, who just so happens to love cooking and baking as well, things can get tricky in the kitchen. “Scientists” are taught to measure; “down home” girls are taught to eyeball it.

I love my husband. I love him dearly. This includes all of his little quirks and annoying habits. I knew this going into marriage but when it comes to cooking, these little endearments rub the fur off my patience. David had never made brownies, or seen the process of, until the other night. If you are a knowledgeable cook, like David and me, you know that baking is chemistry and all the “formulas” must come out exact or you end up with either salty petrified wood or sickeningly sweet glue. But if you’re baking with Betty Crocker, her boxed “formulas” are fool proof. Really fool proof.

I begin the process. Fresh eggs? Check. Enough vegetable oil? Check. Paid the water bill? Check. The directions called for either a 13x9, 9x9 or 8x8 glass dish or metal pan. Even after all the wedding registry work, we failed to register for, or receive, a 13x9, 9x9 or 8x8 glass dish or metal pan. No big deal. I found a glass baking dish that “looks” like would work. I’m a “down home” girl; you don’t use exact measurements, right?

“What size is that?” David points to the dish.
“I don’t know but it should work,” I assure as a reach for a mixing bowl.
“What size does the box call for?” Another query from my darling husband.
“Thirteen by nine, nine by nine or an eight by eight but this one will be fine.”
“Are you sure?” DING! Unknowingly to him, my patience is being pushed.
“Yes.”

I cracked 2 large eggs into the mixing bowl and measured out a little less than 1/3 cup of oil. One third of a cup is what the box called for and I remember that this was the exact measurement because of the following:

“Is that enough oil?” He asks.
“Yes.”
“Didn’t the box call for a third of a cup?”“Yes.” Why lie? I know what I’m doing. This isn’t my first brownie rodeo.
“Then why didn’t you add the full one third?” It wasn’t a derogatory question. It was actually really naïve but I’m about to smack the boy. “I normally don’t add ALL of the oil. I figure the less amount of fat the better.”“I thought the oil was there to make them moist…” he trails off.
Oh. My. God. I reach back into the cupboard and, without measuring which I’m sure made him ancy in his pantsy, I poured what I thought to be enough to make a WHOLE 1/3 cup of stupid vegetable oil into the mixing bowl.

I stir everything together including the three tablespoons of water (“I wouldn’t think it would make that big of a difference” he says but, trust me, it does) and ask him to grease the baking dish.

“I’m curious,” he says as he walks out of the kitchen. He comes back with his measuring tape. He measures the dish. What the f… He’s measuring the dish! “Hmmm…” he says. “Looks like it’s a six by ten baking dish. Are you sure this will be ok?”“Yes, David.”

“Hmmm…” he pauses and whips out his cell phone. “Let me check and see if the volume would be right.” THE VOLUME. He’s doing the calculations for the freakin’ VOLUME of all four of the baking dish sizes on his cell phone calculator. First, he has the formulas MEMORIZED and second, HE’S CALCULATING THE FREAKIN’ VOLUME OF ALL FOUR BAKING DISHE SIZES.

“It looks like this dish has a volume that’s between the nine by nine and the eight by eight,” he concludes.

You gotta be freaking kidding me, I think to myself. “Trust me, Dave. This will work. Now, can go and grease this for me, please? Get the edges and corners.”

I try to pour the batter into the greased, almost volume correct, dish. I say “try” because Helpy Helperson is, well, TRYING to help hold the bowl while a scrape the goo out with a wooden spoon. We registered for rubber spatulas and our registry shows that SOMEONE bought the damn things for us but the utensils are no where to be seen. I scrape the mix out as best as I can. Stupid registry. “Give me the bowl.”

I put the dish of brownies into the preheated 350 degree oven (the first thing I always do before baking because THAT’S WHAT THE BOX SAYS).

“It says 30 minutes but we’ll check them in about 20,” I say.
“Ok.” I FINALLY got an agreement.

Twenty minutes roll by and I decide to check them out. Now, the box said to insert a toothpick 2 inches from the side of the pan and, if the toothpick comes out partially clean, the brownies are ready. I’m pretty sure that when I checked them with my toothpick it wasn’t EXACTLY two inches from the side but it was the side and it came out partially clean.

“Are they done?” Dave asks.
“Looks like it,” I say, very satisfied with myself.

He then gets himself a toothpick, measures out exactly two inches from the side of the dish, inserts the toothpick (which comes our partially clean) and says, “Hm. Guess they are.”

I walk away.

If I don’t break this man, I will have to break this man.

My Food "To Do" List

Whole Roasted Suckling PigWhat can I say? I’m a meatatarian. They say the skin is super crispy and the meat super moist. I am there … with some roasted potatoes and carrots.

Roasted Leg of Lamb

I’ve never had lamb but I would really like to try it.

White Asparagus I love the green I might love the white more.

Bon Bo Hue A classic Vietnamese spicy beef noodle soup with some unusual vegetation containing but not limited to lemongrass, dried chiles, mint leaves, bean sprouts, lime wedges, shredded banana blossoms and rau muong (a native aquatic tropical plant). Sounds interesting and delicious. Think Ramen but more classy.

Kobe Beef The best stuff on Earth from what I hear. Melts in your mouth … like all steak should only better.

Louche Absinthe“Traditionally, absinthe is poured into a glass over which a specially designed slotted spoon is placed. A sugar cube is then deposited in the bowl of the spoon. Ice-cold water is poured or dripped over the sugar until the drink is diluted to a ratio between 3:1 and 5:1. During this process, the components that are not soluble in water, mainly those from anise, fennel, and star anise, come out of solution and cloud the drink. The resulting milky opalescence is called the louche. The addition of water is important, causing the herbs to "blossom" and bringing out many of the flavors originally overpowered by the anise.” http://foodproof.com/blogs/view/post/100-things-you-should-eat-before-248

Caviar and BlinisI want the traditional with creme fraiche; the works.

Haggis

Gnarly lookin' fellow and the traditional Scottish delicacy. You gotta try it at least once.

Foie Gras

I’ll have to eat it on a non-diet day since it’s basically nothing but fat but I’ll counter act it by drinking some read whine and smoking a fine French cigarette. They say they are some of the healthiest people on Earth so why not?

Chrysanthemum Tea

Chhyrsanthemum is my birth flower so I feel that I must indulge my ego a bit. Plus, it's really pretty!

ODWA: List ten things you need and ten things you want.

This was a challenge. In a society dead set on materialistic things, it's hard to distinguish between what you need and what you want. This assignment really makes you ask what is selfish and what is not. A lesson my young cousin Ryan needs to figure out. I tried my best not to sound too selfish. Humilty and grace are hard concepts to accomplish in life.

1. A great attitude. I need to be happy and content with what I have. I also need have a more cheerful out look on life.
2. A better paying job. This one just isn’t going to cut it in 3 years time.
3. A bachelor’s degree. See number 2.
4. A hug. There has been a hug/snuggle deficit recently and we must get out of the red.
5. A newer car. I drive a 1998 Nissan Maxima and the thing is just about ca-put. I don’t need anything fancy; just a four door sedan with low travel mileage and great gas mileage.
6. A 30lb weight loss. According to all the BMI charts and all the world’s doctors, I’m “obese.” I don’t feel obese and I don’t even think I look that bad but regardless, for my future and my family’s future, I need to drop a few.
7. A good marriage. Marriage is work and I need to be the best possible partner that I can be.
8. A time-out. I’m stressed. I feel it. Yesterday, I was so worried about wedding planning that I could barely eat because my stomach was so upset. My thoughts are clouded and my body is sluggish because of the stress.
9. A fresher approach to work. I can’t focus on work because it bores me hence the blog posts.
10. A better connection with all of my friends. I’ve lost touch over the years. Everyone is busy with their own lives including myself but this is no excuse not to have meaningful relationships with those who love and support you. I need those connections because the years are progressing and I need to be grounded by my girls.

I want…
1. … to be finished with this wedding. Gah! Is this day EVER going to get here?!
2. … to eat as many indulgent foods WITHOUT gaining any weight.
3. … to enjoy my job but I just can’t.
4. … to travel to Europe especially Germany and Austria.
5. … to travel the U.S. as well.
6. … more vacation time to spend with Dave and my family.
7. … to not worry so much.
8. … to be a racecar driver.
9. … another puppy for Kaitie.
10. … a happy healthy family with Dave.
11. ... (I added one) a bigger house in Hot Springs.

Top 10 Annoyances

Today's ODWA was the top 20 things that annoy us but I could only think of 10 really good ones. They change on a daily basis so this is just today's list.


1. Disrespect. Complete and utter apathy towards your fellow man.
2. Migraines. Self explanatory.
3. People who don’t use their blinkers. The things have been around for over 50 years. Use them.
4. Someone asking for advice and then getting mad when it’s not what they wanted to hear. If you’re not making sense, I’m gonna tell ya.
5. Calories. They make me fat but all the nummy foods have a TON of them.
6. Swindlers. You know who you are.
7. Money. You can’t live with it; you can’t live without it.
8. Dishonesty. Do I have to explain?
9. Sunday drivers. The speed limit is 70 mph. They drive 62 mph … just to be safe. How the hell are you driving “safe” when everyone else is driving 70 – 85 mph?! You are in the way. Especially when you drive in the middle or left lane. Move! And don’t get me started on the bitches who do their hair and makeup in the car … IN THE FAST LANE. Speaking of bitches ...
10. Amy. LMAO!!

I Still Get Carded!!

You hear people say that they don’t feel their age. Well, what age do they feel? Older? Younger? I feel “on time.” I don’t feel old though I know I’m somewhat wise beyond my years. I don’t feel young, either. Just about every morning I wake up with some sort of ache or pain and then hear the crackle of my joints as I walk down the hallway. I do yard work and I’m stiff the next morning. So I know I’m not young.

I’ve had many experiences in my life that have aged my mind. Maybe it’s not so much my mind but my conceptions of the world. I’ve grown up fast because of those experiences, too. You have to because you’re forced to. At the tender ages of adolescence, a child who is immature of the mind cannot begin to grasp or reason why the world, and the ones they trust, can be so cruel. It’s not fair and thus the lesson.

I don’t fear age. Yes, I have several grey hairs sprouting out of my head right at my natural part that I’m not fond of but I am by no means vain about my appearance. I threaten to dye my hair but I know I won’t do it. It’s my sheer laziness that prohibits me from maintaining beautiful, dark auburn locks for the rest of my life though the color is quite appealing to me. I don’t wish to by young again. It was hard growing up. I was teased when I was in grade school. I was fat. I was loud. I had braces and bad, frizzy hair and worst of all I was smart and I knew it. You were that age. You know how it went.

I don’t want to go back to seventeen either unless I can have that body with it. That was equally frustrating. It was fun being somewhat naïve and carefree but looking back, I did some STUPID things that I wish I hadn’t. I know what they mean when they say “I would go back but only if I knew what I know now.” My early twenties are out of the question, too unless, as mentioned before, I can have the body with it.

Here I am cusping on the edge of 30 and I’m quite happy. There are ups and downs that I struggle through but knowing how proud my family is of me (and a “thank you” for the ones who voiced this to me) makes me feel better about the decisions I made. I can’t change the past. And I’ll ruin the present by thinking of the future, so why not just be content and happy that everything turned out “ok”?

I can’t help but be giddy about the next step in my journey.

My Favorite Childhood Story Book

The Pokey Little Puppy. It's an absolute classic!

It's a story about a puppy who pokes around and looses his family because he wanders off (good moral!) but he finds his way back to his mama and siblings. So sweet!

I loved the art work, too, and I think that the pictures were my inspiration to become an artist.

25 Things: Our Daily Writing Assignment

The ODWA was to list 25 things I would like to do in my life. They are as follows:

1. Quit my current job and go to school full-time
2. Obtain my Bachelor’s Degree (preferably Graphic Design but leaning towards Education)
3. Travel the United States
4. Fly
5. Travel to Europe (preferably Germany and Austria)
6. Have a happy marriage
7. Be a mother of three children
8. Weigh as much as I did in high school
9. Get a tummy-tuck
10. Be happy with who I am
11. Paint on a daily basis
12. Learn to draw the human figure or at least the hands
13. Stop being afraid to show my art to others
14. Know that I am a good artist
15. Know that I am a good person
16. Wear my skin with confidence and dignity
17. Stop swearing so much
18. Learn to accept the things that I simply cannot change with my persuasions
19. Walk Kaitie-Bug every day
20. Find a career that I truly love so that I may enjoy my life
21. Make a full Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter dinner… by myself
22. One day find out how proud my family actually is of me
23. Meet Erin and establish a good relationship with her
24. Become closer to my heavenly Father
25. Love and be loved